Porn – Why You and Your Kids Should Discuss It

Discussing porn is the sort of conversation most parents would rather not have with their children.

And, it would be lovely if our kids could grow up in a world where we didn’t have to worry about them being exposed to it at all. But, sadly it’s a part of life and the chances of your children seeing it as they grow are fairly high.

Whatever your views are on the subject, sticking your head in the sand is an approach that is likely to backfire. Keep the lines of communication open and strive to encourage your kids to discuss uncomfortable subject matter with you. You will have far greater control if you are considered approachable.

Unfortunately, pornography accounts for up 30% of all internet traffic, and it is frighteningly easy to access. A simple search of the internet suggests that roughly 90% of boys and 60% of girls have seen online porn. These figures would seem to indicate that it’s a matter of when, not if, your child comes across it.

What Parents Should Know

According to the website www.itstimewetalked.com, a lot of adults are unaware just how pervasive pornography has become. What young people see online is affecting their understanding, experiences and expectations of sex and relationships. It has become the sort of parenting issue we cannot afford to ignore.

Rebecca Dettman, of www.rebeccadettman.com, is a counsellor who has extensive experience working with teens in the area of sexual-emotional health. She also agrees that what kids are exposed to online is generally way beyond what they are ready for.

Dettman also believes that schools have an important role to play in helping equip students with the emotional tools needed to ensure they can experience healthy, respectful, safe and consenting relationships. While learning about how to prevent STIs and understanding contraception is important, it does not help young people who may be facing hardcore pornography.

Porn today is vastly different from the Playboy and Penthouse magazines of 30 years ago. Here are some statistics about online porn today:

• 88% of online porn scenes portray physical aggression such as gagging, choking and slapping.
• This aggression is overwhelmingly directed towards the female performers – women are the targets in 94% of incidents.
• In 95% of these incidents, the target appears either not to mind, or to be pleasured by the aggression.
• Much of the activity is high-risk, such as unprotected anal sex immediately followed by oral sex.

Pornography is unfortunately what many young people turn to for sex education and what is considered normal is changing.

The messages in porn are about far more than sex. They are about power, aggression and gender submission to name a few. They are exacerbating problems of domestic violence, rape and relationships defined by power imbalances.

Sadly, porn is believed to affect the human brain, such that it adversely affects brain functionality, and can even cause erectile dysfunction.

So, What Can Parents Do?

Firstly, safeguard online activity in the home by ensuring it’s not easy for your kids to stumble across online porn.

Secondly, we’re back to communication again. If you’re falling a little behind on this front, it’s time to address it in other areas first. Encourage them to express themselves and discuss whatever they want with you. Encourage feelings of self worth by asking them to pick one thing they like about themselves.

Thirdly, broach the subject! It’s important your kids understand that you are aware of the things they may come across online and offline and that some of it may not be good. Just knowing that you understand about these things, and can be approached on the subject can help your child feel more comfortable about discussing it with you. You may find you start discussing this anywhere from the age of 9-13 years of age, depending on the child of course.

Jenny Walsh has written a guide for parents discussing sex with their kids. In her guide,  Talk Soon. Talk Often., she states that parents often feel overwhelmed by the idea that they have to get it right, and end up saying nothing at all. Walsh suggests it is not about one big conversation, but lots of little ones over the years that has the best outcomes.

Dettman also warns parents not to opt for “catch up” conversations about difficult topics, which they tend to leave to the 11th hour. It is vitally important to plant the seeds when the kids are little. Conversations, about sex, relationships and pornography can be built on from those conversations about self worth and communication.

Dettman suggests you ask teens whether they really want to have sex with someone who they consider to be a “maybe”, or do they need that person to be a “hell-yes”. The answers to these questions will depend on their levels of self-worth, which is fostered over time.

Regardless of your beliefs, you can probably find something worth sharing with your teen from itstimewetalked.com, such as:

• Porn isn’t real: It’s a performance.
• It’s ok to say no to anything you’re uncomfortable with, and no means NO.
• Anything that hurts or humiliates you is NOT ok.
• Porn bodies aren’t real.
• Not everybody wants to have sex all the time.
• Violence and humiliation are not sexy.
• Sex can be so much better than what you see in porn – don’t let porn shape the way you view sex.
• If you want to be a good lover, don’t learn about sex from porn.

Need more help?

• More information can be found at conversation openers and other info for parents can be found at The Line (a campaign that encourages healthy and respectful relationships and aims to change attitudes that support violence against women).
• Check out this review of parental software.

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